Elephant Graveyard Turns 1
Greatest hits, greatest misses, and celebration on this milestone.
In April, after two years of being cancer-free, I wrote a post about my “Cancerversary,” borrowing the term from the hysterical and insightful Tim Kreider, who wrote a superb essay on the anniversary of his being stabbed.
“Celebrating my Cancerversary” was fairly successful, as far as niche-comedy-blog posts about debilitating diseases go.
And so it only seems right to rip off Kreider once again on this one-year newsletter jubilee and proclaim that it’s my Elephant Graveyardiversary.
That’s right. Today marks 365 days since my very first blog post was fired off into your inboxes.
In the days since, I’ve written about such illuminating topics as injecting nicotine into turkey legs, trading my brain in for a new model, getting daytime hungover at the San Diego Zoo, and wandering into gang territory looking for a Malibu Starbucks.
I’ve used the term “shit-bird” twice, then coined its translation — l'oiseau de merde. I referenced Chevy Chase’s Vacation series back-to-back without realizing, and ranked everything from Lyft drivers to street cats.
I started a referral program, abandoned it, then brought it back.
We’ve talked about death (I Kevorkianed a houseplant); we’ve talked about life (I saved some ungrateful possums).
And I even got McConaugheyed along the way.
All the while, my subscriber list slowly, almost hesitantly grew.
Despite my resolutions to write other things, this blog always seduces me back. Every time I open my journal, I see Elephant Graveyard in the distance, tempting me like a lonely cigarette being smoked at a party.
I resist, citing the fact that I want to get more fiction published, and pitch essays to real publications, but Elephant Graveyard always wins.
I imagine a late night talk show host citing my work — “Y’know, Mike, I’ve always said Matthew McConaughey does walk like he’s holding in a fart” — and before I even realize it, I’m scribbling away at half-baked jokes.
The good news is, looking back on year-ago-Mike, that was the goal all along:
“When something you’re passionate about becomes a chore, when free time becomes work time outside of your 9 to 5, it can be hard to assuage the guilt that comes with relaxing.
Sure, writing in my down time can be therapeutic, but it can also be a massive pain in my ass.
So, in an attempt to gag the nagging voice in my head, and to trick myself into getting more words on paper, I’m founding my own Elephant Graveyard — a cemetery for my mind.”
- Welcome to Elephant Graveyard, October, 2021
It brings me much pride to know that, one year later, I succeeded in my little experiment. The nagging voice in my head has switched sides. (“Talking about bar hopping again? Not very literary of you.”)
Instead of not having enough words on the page, I now have too many. Several drafts of unfinished Elephant Graveyards sit brooding in Google Docs, and my notebooks are brimming with bad ideas just waiting to be set loose. (Let me run Philly’s WNBA team — what could go wrong?; Why Satchmo is the greatest dog name of all time.)
Yet, despite all those ideas, this “cemetery for my mind” has turned into something so much simpler over the past few months.
After many years of saying, “At least I’m not a lifestyle blogger,” my newsletter has turned into, yes, I admit it, something of a lifestyle blog.
I went from this grandiose idea of laundering my rejected personal essays and unanswered magazine pitches through a newsletter and came up with… what, exactly…?
“Here’s the bars I went to and the celebrities I saw and the stuff I did this weekend.”
Yuck!
Despite my most high-brow intentions (which isn't saying much, my brows only go so high) my newsletter mostly deals with little updates about my little life — all things I swore not to touch with a ten-and-a-half foot drink-stirrer.
And the strangest thing about it?
I absolutely love it!!
“Can I make a PSA real quick? All your blog boys and your fanboys that's gonna use everything I say and create an article -- watch a basketball game. How about you write that?”
- Two-time NBA champion Kevin Durant, on the noble profession of blogging
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.
It would mean the world just to have a few loyal readers, but to have racked up dozens of subscribers, several hundred site visits, and thousands of total views boggles my puny little mind.
If you’d like to keep boggling it, give the Graveyard a share with someone who’d appreciate a touch of tomfoolery in their inbox.
Au revoir de ton oiseau de merde préféré.
Can’t wait to see what happens in Year 2.
Shouts out to…
The Denver restauranteurs I met, who told me they’d root for the Eagles for me.
All Philadelphia sports teams not named after a date in the 18th century.
